Republicans, Fear and Marketing Strategies

A Gift from Me to You.

Dear Republicans, you are becoming old, you’re losing your edge. You, for all your faults, are skillful salesmen of fear. Very fortunately for you the history has been generous in providing all kinds of enemies, from Commies to terrorists to liberals. And if there were none, they are easily created. Fear du jour, for example, is socialism and its’ derivatives like re-education camps and death panels. I think it all started when “socialism” scare didn’t provide the desired effect. Perhaps, because most of the public either forgot about it or never knew what it is and why be scared of it in the first place. You know, it was kinda dead for the last 20 years and we have an attention span of a fly. Some of you decided to double or triple your efforts to warn us about the coming apocalypse by screaming louder, because perhaps we haven’t heard it. When that didn’t have any results, you thought it’s just wasn’t scary enough and in search of some attention grabbing headlines, you have ventured into the no-man’s land, a batshit territory, literally. Frankly, I’m disappointed at this hatchet job. You’ve been polishing this skill for the last century at least and this is the best you can offer? Simply embarrassing! Where’s the subtlety of Nixon or sunny disposition of Reagan? Your work is sloppy; I can tell you’re becoming tired.

Here’s what you have to do and I promise you – your message will stick this time. Gather all Republicans members of Congress on the steps of the Capitol. Make them defecate publicly while shouting patriotic slogans. During that process have Michelle Bachmann wrestle with Sarah Palin for public’s entertainment. At the podium please bring Rush Limbaugh, who will be warning the public on the dangers of janitors and how they destroy American way of life. When the janitor does show up to clean up the pile of shit, have Treasury drop a truck-load of cash into that pile and start accusing the janitor of trying to take your money. Watch the janitor knee-deep in shit and complain that he’s not cleaning fast enough. And that’s where you strike with your message. It is at THIS point you start talking about re-education camps. You don’t want your children to grow up to become janitors to clean up somebody else’s shit. You want them to grow up to be shitters, not shitees. This is where you have a visual example (remember a picture is worth a thousand words) of where the education will get you. A black guy with a broom deep in real American shit.  Kids, this is what you gonna be doing if you stay in school or go to college – clean up after the Real Americans. How powerful do you think this message is going to be? Take it – it’s yours, for free. Problem solved, check, no kids in schools, um, re-education camps.

It’s even easier with death panels. In this case I think instead of a scare you should offer a promise of eternal life. All you have to do is promise to replace government death panels with insurance companies’ life panels. Let me repeat if for you: Insurance Companies Life Panels. People will love it. That will make them think they will be held on the tube forever or at least until the elixir of eternal life is invented. And since there is no government involved but insurance companies, there’s no threat to taxpayers. People might pay something out of pocket, but they wouldn’t mind, as long as it’s not the sacred TAXPAYER. You’ve trained them well over the years and they hate to see Taxpayer, which has become a form of deity due to your efforts, to pay for anything. Besides, just imagine what kind of ads you can run on the “Eternal Life” message. The possibilities are endless. The Congress and Presidency will be yours for generations.

You’re welcome!


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