My New Year Resolutions and Wishes

I am a political junkie. I need to go into rehab next year. It’s not easy when your dealers provide you with such good shit. I get my daily fix. Republicans are my uppers, Democrats are my downers. There were times when I was ambivalent towards American political process: The Right, The Left – what the hell is the difference? Perhaps, I could have made a good Republican under different circumstances. I was also pretty neutral about religion. That was before I went to Christian college. Not just any Christian, but Southern Baptist – they are the worst! And then Clinton had his dick sucked by Monica. And everything changed. Clinton was my gateway drug to American politics. Very appropriate I must say, as he was a pothead.

You see, politicians without vices give me pause. If you don’t receive occasional blowjob, don’t gamble, don’t drink, don’t smoke, etc. then what do you do for release? Imagine morality as a balloon. You suppress pleasurable activities in one area and they manifest itself in another. You suppress alcohol consumption, drugs, gambling – and next thing you know you’re discovered soliciting gay sex in airport bathroom. Bush made me very uncomfortable for that reason. Squeaky clean exterior only made me wonder about what he was hiding in his closet. Or were we supposed to ignore all that because he found Jesus? Or was I to believe that his stress mitigation technique was cutting brush? Also, his carefully crafted “cowboy” persona didn’t play well with the fact that he was afraid of horses and never rode them. Later, of course, it became obvious that his vice was dick competition on a grand scale. As in “my dick is bigger than yours”. Bush was my one big bad LSD trip. I had a continuous feeling that something really bad was going to happen, although I couldn’t tell what. I don’t mean 9/11, I mean what came afterwards. The same way, I guess, that Obama is a bad LSD trip for many conservatives.

By the way, I relaxed about Obama when I found out that he smokes and he’s a fellow poker player. I like my politicians to play poker. I’m just not sure of what he’s doing at this particular juncture.

Anyway, I wish to get off the political needle next year. I’m one step through – I have admitted I have a problem.

My wishes for Democrats are pretty obvious. Aside from growing a pair, I’d like them to expand their range of political tools. They seem to get used to shit being thrown at them and over all these years they still haven’t developed adequate responses to mudslinging. They will need it in 2010 and more importantly in 2012.  In fact, if they’d be the first to throw some outrageous nonsense at Republicans, that would create havoc in their camp as it would be something totally unexpected. Why the scenario always have to look like this: Republicans come over to your house, shit in your pool and then when you point it out to them they point fingers at you and scream “Look at you, you pathetic liberals – you have shit in your pool and you can’t even clean it!”?

I mean, look at the stuff they throw at you – the complete batshit stuff – you will kill the grandma; Obama is a Muslim AND a godless commie; government death panels. And it sticks! And you end up in a position where you have to prove a negative. I think you should just come with even crazier stuff to throw back at them and let them respond. For instance, Glenn Beck is gay. Frankly, I think this one might stick. Just look at him.

He has a cute round baby face.

Oh, just look at those sphincter lips!

He’s too emotional.

He likes to dress up.

Rush Limbaugh is an anarchist (this one should be easy – he hates government). See how they rush (no pun intended) to defend anarchists. I actually think that’s a plausible scenario – they will not try to deny it, they will embrace it and will compete with each other who is a bigger anarchist. Watch them quote Bakunin towards the year end!

I’m just throwing these examples at you, but I hope you got the idea!

For this kind of dirty work you will need someone like Lee Atwater or Karl Rove and I don’t think you have anybody who can do such kind of work. I know, I know. It’s ugly and you want to maintain your moral high ground. Well, folks, Republicans changed the rules a long time ago and now they have missiles in dirty war, where you still have spears. This war is upon you whether you like it or not.

That’s all.

I’m off to Asia for the next 2 months. My mind will be occupied with other, more pleasant things. I wish you all a very Happy New Year.


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